Lee
Lee called last week, so sadly I won’t hear from him for another month.
Lee represents manhood, strength, the call to a higher purpose, but unfortunately he’s a criminal, a telemarketer representing a long running police charity scam. He has a southern accent, one so perfectly delivered that it can’t be real. It’s like being contacted by a college football coach with high hopes: ‘I’m calling today on behalf of the National Police Foundation. As you know, our officers are having a terrible time out there, and we want to raise money for the equipment they need. Your support is vital to the welfare of our officers. What level of commitment can I put you down for today?’
This comes real fast. He’s been trained not to let you get a word in edgewise.
Lee’s been calling every month or so for at least a year. We get a lot of scam calls on our landline, which seems to be the main purpose of having a landline, but Lee has begun to stand out because it’s the same guy every time around. He’s not a robot. I can get him to respond to me, though this has made him betray a few things:
1. Modern conservatism, a connection I’m making based on the strong pro-police, ‘Blue Lives Matter’ slant to these calls, identifies with masculinity. Lee tries to play upon the impression of a well grounded, strong male donating time to a worthy cause.
2. The problem is that this brand of conservatism isn’t very intellectually rigorous. Lee ain’t one for details.
‘Hang on,’ I’d say. ‘Our officers are having a terrible time out there? In what way?’
Lee is surprised by this every single time. A criminal willing to make the least possible effort could pluck anything from the headlines: gun violence, calls for reform or defunding, or the fact that more police are being killed by coronavirus than any other cause nowadays. However, Lee is not interested in proving his case. He wants you to take for granted the crisis is real. Half the time, unable to form a thought, he’ll just hang up. More recently he’s attempted to sound generous: ‘Well, I don’t want to overwhelm you.’
Clearly, this gives away that Lee is preying upon the elderly. He’s trying to do one of a few things:
- maybe bait the other party into responding, ‘Oh, you’re not overwhelming me,’ at which point he can continue his pitch.
- He might also be smart enough not to burn any bridges. If the caller is in fact a bit overwhelmed, it’s probably best to keep the interaction friendly and try again another day.
- Having been thrown by someone going off script, Lee is trying to reassert his dominance. He’s the one who will steer this conversation, he’ll have you know. He’s either trying to fool me or himself.
I think it’s this third option - especially since I’ve been been matching his college football coach with my own Sam Elliot: ‘Lee, how the HELL are ya? Now, Lee, I’m gonna ask you a question, and I don’t want you to go all wobbly on me. Stay strong. Stay with me, Lee.’
He simply cannot do it. I’d actually respect him a bit more as a criminal if he had some game, but he’s as weak as the poor souls he preys upon. Obviously he’s successful, since he’s been at it so long, and he’s probably not sensitive, since any number of folks hang up or get angry at him. He’s undeterred. He’s in a volume business, and since only so many people are going to hand over money, he has to keep cracking along. Therefore, those tiny moments when I can knock him off balance are victories to be savored.
When he first calls, I can be ready with a strong greeting:
‘Lee, it is a pleasure to hear your voice again. You’re an icon, a patriotic, self reliant man of purpose. I am honored you would consider a moment with me worthy of your time.’
‘Lee, the only thing greater than your courage is your impeccable sense of timing. We are under siege. How can I join the battle to take America back?’
He’s a bully with only one punch. Once he’s asked what kind of donation he can rely upon, the trick would be to get him to engage on where the money’s going.
‘Lee, you silver tongued devil, I bet you can talk a cowgirl out of her blue jeans in no time, but I’m going to need some details.’
‘Lee, we sure got a lot of problems, but you sound like a man with solutions. Let’s hear some of them.’
‘Lee, you’re a leader. I’m a follower. Tell me everything I should be doing.’
‘Lee, those police officers need new equipment? How about I buy some of that equipment myself and take it down to the police station? Would that be good idea?’
If he’s not getting his money, he’s going to bail. This will be my last shot to assert dominance.
‘Lee, you are not psychologically prepared for this battle.’
‘Lee, I am not overwhelmed. Slow down a minute. Take a breath. I’m beginning to think you’re the one who’s overwhelmed.’
‘Lee, you are an insect splattered on the windshield of life.’
‘Lee, can you give me your number so I can call you?’
Lee calls from different spoofed out of state numbers, so that starts every encounter off on pretty shady terms. The way to verify a charity’s validity is to obtain their EIN, the Employer Identification Number, or request a copy of the IRS Tax Return Form 990. The 990 is a public record that must be made available to a donor by mail or in person at the charity’s office, in accordance with IRS regulations.
This would be interesting, asking Lee for the address of his organization and his EIN number. That’s probably the best way to get his attention. It could make for some squirming on his part - or what could be funnier is that Lee’s cause is an actual registered charity. That creates even more squirming: ‘Lee, if this is a legitimate operation, why won’t you answer any questions?’
Ultimately, it won’t matter. He’ll be back in a month, having forgotten the whole sparring session.
‘Lee, it’s been a pleasure. I’ll talk to you again next time.’
